I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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