i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
