The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
