i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
