An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
