I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
