I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
