John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize