i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
