if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
