Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
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I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
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Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
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