he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
