So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
