i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My liver just broke up with me...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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