We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
