i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
