A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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