If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
false alarm. still invincible.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
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don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
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i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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