You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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