I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine