i don't plan on having that self control this summer
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Houston, we have a blender
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.