I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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