At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?