a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
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I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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