3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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