Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
