I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
