While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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