4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
