Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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