I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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