Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
