got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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