I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
