I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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