I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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