Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
