My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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