Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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