I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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