Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
