I wish i was in the wii world.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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