I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
