My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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