My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
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It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
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I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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