I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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