I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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