You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Randomize
