I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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