Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
