Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
