Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
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He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize