I am puke
You can't special order awesome
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
