so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
