I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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