After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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