Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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