New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
